My husband, Chris, and I never imagined that we would be faced with infertility. We just figured that when the timing was right, we would have a family. We were married in 2001 and it was not until 2006 that we finally faced the facts and realized that there was definitely a problem.
That’s when the infertility specialist visits began and the, “let’s try this and that” began. We did the normal stuff: BBT, (basal body temperature) and OPT (ovulation predictor tests). My doctor checked my blood for progesterone and discovered that my levels were extremely low. Progesterone is absolutely necessary for an early pregnancy to survive. It is what keeps the embryo’s home intact. Normal progesterone levels range from 5 (minimal ovulatory activity) to as high as 20. My levels hovered anywhere from barely detectable to 2. Needless to say, EVEN with supplementation, my progesterone was nonexistent.
I also had a diagnostic surgery performed in order to find any other factors affecting my inability to conceive. This surgery concluded that I had endometriosis in a critical area. That’s when the Lupron shots began and I wouldn’t wish these horrible things on anyone! Lupron puts you in premature menopause with all the side effects that accompany it. MISERABLE. My dear friend Janette, who is an experienced nurse, gave me my intramuscular Lupron injections, bless her heart. The shots are given in the muscular part of the hip and it is probably one of the most painful experiences you can have with a needle. The medicine entering your body feels like molten lava.
Needless to say, I was getting discouraged. I was praying that the Lord would have His way in regards to our future family and to just give us the strength and patience to endure the process. I know He has the perfect plan in mind, it is just up to us to let Him have control. I wish I could say I was upbeat and full of faith during this trial, but there were many nights when I cried myself to sleep thinking I would die childless. I received prayer on MANY occasions at church and was desperate to have the Lord hear our cry for a child.
It was during my Lupron cycles that my friend Ashley told me about IVF. (in-vitro fertilization) I thought, “That’s the ticket!” Since I have low progesterone and endometriosis, we’ll just let the lab rats perform their magic. So, off to Houston we went and began 3 months of torture. My hats off to those women who have endured more than one IVF cycle. It is unbelievably difficult. After giving myself many shots in the stomach (I lost count) and numerous trips to the doctor, we were ready to begin the IVF cycle. I went back to the specialist so they could ultrasound my ovaries to see how many eggs were forming as a result of the highly potent drugs I was injecting into my body daily. Guess what? There were no eggs. The nurse was shocked and she said, “We’ll just up your dosage.”
We upped the dosage for a few days (more painful tummy injections) and returned to the doctor a second time. The nurse said, “I can’t believe this, but you have no follicles. There’s got to be SOMETHING in there. I’ve never seen this before. We’ll up your dosage to the maximum amount you can have without overdosing.”
At this point I was injecting nearly 900 units of Gonal F into my body. I returned to the specialist a third time. She shook her head in disbelief and said, “Sweetheart, there is nothing there to withdraw. You are not a candidate for IVF. I have no idea what is wrong. I rarely have patients who are completely non-responsive to this treatment. There are no eggs in your ovaries to retrieve. You most likely have POA (premature ovarian aging), which means you have the ovaries of a 65 year old woman. We can try other things, but my suggestion is to go home and live your life.” IVF was out and we were not able to complete the cycle. My doctor gave us a complete refund…now you and I both know that doctors do NOT dish out money! We had even signed paperwork that said there was no way we could get our money back. That is how astounded she was at my results from the IVF treatment.
The words of my fertility specialist (who prides herself on getting everybody pregnant) hit Chris and me like a ton of bricks. We had reached the end of our rope. There was nothing else to do, nothing else to try, nowhere else to go. I think that is where God wants us sometimes. He wants us to realize that we ARE nothing, HAVE nothing, and can DO nothing without HIS power, HIS presence, and HIS supernatural ability. I was completely broken into the tiniest pieces you can imagine. Chris did not know what to say to comfort me. My tears were my only solace.
Baby showers were excruciating. Baby dedications would send rivers pouring down my face. Hearing people gripe and complain about their kids made me livid. I faced the facts. I gave it all to GOD. I laid on the carpet and said, “If you NEVER give me kids, I will still serve You. If you NEVER answer another prayer of mine, You’ve done enough. Take away my desire for children if you are not going to fill it. I am done carrying this, praying about this, and worrying about this.”
Proverbs 13:12 was the mantra of my life: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”
EVERYDAYISSWEETER/Renesha Chambers is “Momma” to two beautiful miracle girls, Sydney and Christa. When not changing a diaper, loading the dishwasher, leading worship for her church, or riding a Harley, she is busy blogging or watching old movies with her husband, Chris, the love of her life.